It’s hard to convey out loud. I don’t wish to complain because I know the end result will be worth it but I wish you knew the physical toll infertility treatments can take on the body. I wish you knew that before we chatted on the phone I injected my third shot that week. I wish you knew how many needles we’ve gone through and the amount of pills I’ve taken. I wish you knew how many ultrasounds I’ve had checking follicles.
I wish you knew how many pregnancy tests have filled our trashcan. I wish you knew that before we met up that night I cried. I cried a lot. That was the day we heard from the Dr. that our most recent treatment didn’t take.
I wish you knew that every time you complain about or “down play” motherhood, my heart shatters. I wish you knew how bad I want that. What I wouldn’t do to have that. I wish you knew. I wish you could understand the pain that fills my heart due to the silence that fills my home. I know you have days where you wish you could have some peace and quiet but I wish you knew what I wouldn’t give to have those sounds in my home.
I wish you knew how bad it hurts to see misleading pregnancy announcements. I wish you knew how bad it stings to see “facebook hacks” or April fools jokes on this. I wish you knew how not funny it really is.
I wish you knew I’m not mad at you for being pregnant. I wish you knew you don’t have to downplay your excitement. In fact, I wish you knew it’s easy to be happy for you when I can sense your joy in this great responsibility. All children deserve to come into the world with welcoming and excited arms. I wish you knew it’s ok to talk to me about it.
I wish you knew how much I love to hold your babies. I wish you knew that you never have to apologize for the “inconvenience”. I wish you knew
that being around your sweet children and allowing me to be a part of their lives brings so much joy into mine.
I wish I knew what I wanted you to say. I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply. I wish that people who want babies could have them and that kids born to parents who didn’t want them don’t have to suffer. I wish women knew they were strong and could always feel validated and important. I wish I knew why it had to be this way. I wish I knew.
I Love this so much my dear friend!! Thank you for writing this. This is so very true- even when you are blessed with some children but can't have others than you felt you needed to have. I felt this way and would get comments like- "well you already have so and so" (in other words "what's you're problem?" is what I felt they were saying. A woman is a mother from the moment she is a woman- somehow those feelings of wanting to care for a child of her own are always present. Always. That's how heavenly Father intended it to be. And that's also why it hurts so bad when we cannot have children we so badly long for.
ReplyDeleteAnd you my dear are a mother through and through and will always be.