When I got home I honestly couldn't figure out if I had gotten blood or spaghetti on my scrubs and that pretty much summed up my day. Something about today made me feel like a failure. Not just because I spilled something on my pants but because my whole day was a perfectly orchestrated disaster. It was full of over thinking, under thinking, not thinking... The whole day seemed to revolve around moments of forgetfulness, stumblings, and frustrations. It was the kind of day where you consider eating questionable left overs for dinner in hopes you can pull off being sick the next day.

Rachel's story | Service Saves. Love Wins

We all experience opposites in life. Some are easy to get through or find a solution for, some are impossible to get through alone and have no solution. That is the beauty of it. We have to walk in trust, love, and faith.

My journey is one of opposites. At first I fought against them, and now I am trying to embrace and welcome them because I know they help me grow. I share my story and my opposing forces that work on me in the hope that it will bring some sort of peace to know we are not alone and that LOVE and SERVICE are the only way to make it through the opposition, the only way to truly live.

Take Time to Be Holy | Finding Solitude and Silence Daily

Lately I've been thinking a lot about solitude and silence and how often we actually take the time to be still. With all of life's demands, it can seem impossible to set aside time to ponder, meditate, and evaluate where we are in life. However, this quiet time is a form of spiritual exercise, a form of prayer. It is a place we can find clarity and connection. For me, it is during these quiet moments, I have gained perspective and have experienced some truly sacred moments.

5 Things I Am Learning About Prayer

A while ago I wrote a post on prayer. (you can find it here) Prayer is something that has weighed heavily on my mind for a while now. I think learning prayer will be a life long pursuit and a crucial part of this journey.

In my previous post on prayer I mention how hard it got to know what to pray for in the midst of trial. I think in a way I wanted to protect my relationship with God. I didn't want to ask that "things would align" and then be disappointed or mad at Him when they didn't. For a long time, I stopped praying about fertility in general. We would be in a state of decision making and I refused to ask for guidance, comfort, or anything. I didn't want to talk about it with God. It felt as though I had exhausted that prayer.

Dear body, I hate you

At a recent conference I was invited to participate in an activity where we were asked to "write a letter to our bodies." We were to sit down and share everything we felt with our bodies and then, in time, our bodies would write back. For a split second, the activity sounded incredibly silly. The more I thought about it, the more it actually sounded liberating!

Each time the activity was discussed my heart would start to pound. Boy, did I have some things I wanted to tell my body. I was so anxious to hurry and write everything down! I didn't want to forget anything! I had big plans to go home and just rip myself a new one. So when I did finally take time to sit down and write... that is exactly what I did.

If it's gonna stick, it's gonna stick

Recently I was talking to a friend who struggled with infertility for a long time before they finally adopted their two adorable boys. I was explaining to her how worried I get over every little thing when we do infertility procedures. I worry that I need to get every detail "just right." I worry about taking the medications at the right time of day. I worry about injecting the entire syringe with not a drop to spare. I constantly worry that if I don't do THE VERY BEST I can do, it won't work. And in the past, when it hasn't worked, I have beat myself up thinking illogical thoughts like, "Did I walk to fast after the procedure? Is that why it didn't take? Was it because I had moments of doubt? Did my attitude cause this?"

10 Things to Pray for in the midst of Trial

There was a time Tyler and I were trying to participate in a study that would allow us to do one round of IVF at practically no cost. Our Doctor had explained that this study would be a great option for the two of us. In order to participate, we had to be "eligible candidates". For the most part, we met all the requirements with ease. The only thing left for us to do was blood work. In the end it all came down to ONE hormone level. To put it simply, they needed to make sure I had a high enough egg reserve in order to ensure the greatest chances of success. 

This incredible opportunity was riding on a few nano-grams! Together we decided to enlist our families in the "prayer fest". Tyler and I prayed, fasted, and pleaded with the Lord that we could make it into this study. We knew with Him all things were possible. 

Amanda's Story | Walk Two Moons

“Don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”

This is the headline quote from my childhood favorite book “Walk Two Moons.”

When I was asked to join in on “The Journey Project” blog series on bringing people together through trials, I felt unqualified to say the least.

Brandie's Story | We aren't broken and we aren't alone

Since starting this blog I have had two major goals. 1. To offer perspective to those who have never dealt with trials like mine and 2. To create (or rather discover) a support system full of those who have dealt with trials like mine. 

The idea that no two trials look the same may seem obvious. However, when we stop looking at all the differences, we start to see that our trials and imperfections are the exact things that connect us as human beings. Dealing with imperfection is all part of the shared human experience.  

William's Story | No Matter the Outcome

I recently wrote a series of posts titled "Through the Growing Pains" (see part one here) In these posts I explain how incredibly inspired I have been by the strength of others. We are all on a journey and when we learn from the examples and stories of others, we can help build human connection. We may not all have the same trials but we all have trials. We are not alone in our suffering. Once we focus on what unifies us, instead of what divides us, our hearts will swell with love for all humanity. 

It is my hope that by sharing individual stories, we can all feel a little more connected and a little less alone in our own journey.

In Bitterness of Soul | Facing Adversity

I was recently reading examples of women in the scriptures who faced adversity. In the Bible I found the story of Hannah. A woman who had the righteous desire to bare a child but could not. Hannah was married to Elkanah, who was also married to Peninnah.

And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children- 1 Samuel 1:2

...the Lord had shut up her womb- 1 Samuel 1:5

Caution: Speed Bumps Ahead

I remember sitting there, just days before we found out if our last fertility treatment took. The potential results had weighed heavy in my mind everyday since we had decided to move forward with another round.

From the very beginning I had a faint feeling that this cycle wouldn't take. A feeling that maybe this time wasn't "our time". I was scared to say that out loud for two reasons 1. I didn't want it to be true and 2. I didn't want to embarrass myself if it turned out to be untrue.

Why Getting Through The Holidays Can Be So Hard- #Lighttheworld

In our journey of infertility I have noticed, like most things, some days are better than others. Unfortunately Holidays are some of the trickiest times to get through. I think it’s because some of the best parts of the holidays revolve around family…or maybe it’s because of all the childhood traditions that you can’t wait to experience with your own kids. All I know is no matter how many people you surround yourself with during the busy holiday season, you can still feel incredibly alone. Somehow, Christmas is always the hardest.

As I’ve thought about this I have often felt guilty for feeling this way. After all, this is the Season for giving! A time to remember our Savior, a time to share the peace and joy with others! And yet, I can’t help but feel saddened by the emptiness that fills my heart.