Since starting this blog I have had two major goals. 1. To offer perspective to those who have never dealt with trials like mine and 2. To create (or rather discover) a support system full of those who have dealt with trials like mine.
The idea that no two trials look the same may seem obvious. However, when we stop looking at all the differences, we start to see that our trials and imperfections are the exact things that connect us as human beings. Dealing with imperfection is all part of the shared human experience.
In my efforts to help other's realize they are not alone, I have started something I like to call The Journey Project. This project is a compilation of life experiences that offer perspective and support. I am so grateful for the brave souls who have agreed to share their journey with the world!
(To read more entries about "The Journey Project" click here)
Today's post is from my sweet friend Brandie! Anyone that knows her could agree she is contagiously happy. Brandie is always quick to love those in need of a friend. I find she shows impeccable strength as she strives to break the stigma of mental illness. I'm certain that it is her attitude that has inspired many to keep on going. This is her journey:
"Before my personal experience with mental illness, my knowledge was limited to second-hand experiences with friends or family. It wasn't until I was 21 years old that I was diagnosed with Bipolar I--a disorder that if it hasn't shown in childhood, usually presents between 20 and 25 under stress.
I grew up with supportive parents and performed as a singer from the age of 3. At 12 I recorded my first album, started writing my own songs, and learned to play the guitar. I performed frequently and recorded in Nashville. I attended a performing arts school in California and toured in Germany and Japan. Despite an intrinsically stressful lifestyle, I still had no symptoms of bipolar disorder.
Then I went on a service mission to Croatia and had my first, and only, manic episode. After about 7 months on the mission, I started to lose myself. My memories of those few weeks are blurry, but I do remember the way people looked at me: with fear. When you are in a state of mania, you feel untouchable. I was on top of the world. I compared myself with Mother Theresa and Gandhi. I felt like I didn't have time to eat or sleep because I needed to save the world. Many things I said and did I've only heard about from people who were there. Things like rubbing a curling iron over my pajamas to try and warm away the numbness. Or trying to glue my eyes shut with chapstick so I could finally get some sleep. My thoughts continued to become more grandiose and overwhelming until I was speaking only Croatian, I was hallucinating, and I had lost 30 pounds.
The mission nurse escorted me back to the US where my family took me to the emergency room. After they determined that there was nothing physically wrong with me, I was admitted into an inpatient mental hospital. I spent about a week there and the healing began. It seemed like I'd never be "myself" again and like people were judging me. This is also when I learned that my paternal grandmother and her mother had both experienced manic episodes that they didn't like to talk about.
My medication started working and I started coming back to myself. It's very manageable; I've found what works for me, and I just live. I surround myself with family and friends, including my sweet husband, who know how to deal with my crazy. The hardest part has been not knowing if what I'm feeling is "normal." When I have a hard day I get anxious that I'm having another episode. But I take it day by day and look at the positive side of my mental health. I get to experience emotions on a super-human level. I'm very outgoing and happy--sometimes a little too happy! I have immense empathy for others with mental health issues. I've spoken to youth groups about my experiences, and I love to share the truth: we aren't broken, and we aren't alone. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I will have this for the rest of my life, but it's my journey and I love it."
Brandie, SLC UT
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