It's been difficult to write lately but I'm in a good place now. Up until a few short months ago things felt dark. To be completely honest, I'm not sure I can blame it entirely on our infertility journey although, I would like too. The truth is, we have been taking a "mental health break" for the past several months. It's been hard to claim "infertility" when you know there's more you could be doing to increase your chances of success. Unfortunately and fortunately this break was much needed and I have felt tested on a whole new level.
It was at a more recent doctors visit that I was presented with a few questions that allowed me to face my biggest fears. "What if there is no answer?" "What if we can't fix this issue?" "What if you never find success on your own?" "What then? Will you be ok?"
As you can imagine these questions made me MAD. It took everything I had to wait until I was in my car before I turned into a blubber fest. I cried in frustration all the way home. I was upset for so many reasons. It felt like I was in a losing battle. I felt "doomed". *NOTE it's important to clarify that this provider was not suggesting there isn't an answer, that our problem is unfix-able or that we will not have success on our own. I respect this provider and she has seen me on her exam tables several times. She has watched me fall apart over these issues and she has watched as I have let infertility consume my every thought. That day she decided to take me to my "darkest place" and for that I am incredibly thankful. Here is why:
We all have worst case scenarios that we create in our heads. Often times these situations are closely linked with uncomfortable emotions or feelings that we don't want to face. Things such as loneliness, shame, disappointment, or sadness can be so uncomfortable to sit with that we do all we can to avoid them. We distract ourselves or try to deny it. Sometimes we hide them behind emotions like anger, bitterness, or anxiety. But how often do we allow ourselves to feel our "uncomfortable" emotions?
After my doctor had asked the "What if's" she asked "What then? Will you be ok?" In the moment I wanted to scream back at her, "No! No I will NOT be ok!" But the truth is, I will. I will be ok because this conversation happened to be a turning point for me.
I read once that when we face our fears we become free of them. We come to learn that we are stronger then our fears and we see that there is nothing we can not handle.
Once I sat with all the emotion that had surfaced at that appointment, I discovered my own strength but not before I discovered all my insecurities.
I realized, I wasn't just unhappy with my situation, I was unhappy with myself. I had felt incredible guilt for not being able to have a baby (even though no one was blaming me.) I felt so disappointed in myself that I was needing some "time off" from trying. I was ashamed for being so hard on myself but yet, "who was I to not be so hard on myself?" These thoughts were exhausting! It was then I realized I needed help. It hit me that it was time to invest in myself. I decided to take a friend up on an offer to join her in a mindfulness class. I needed something to change. Part Two
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