Part one. I honestly had no idea what I was signing up for when I first enrolled in the mindfulness course. My first day, I walked in and was immediately greeted by a warm hug. I had come in my business casual clothes and felt a little over dressed. We sat down on yoga mats and started our discussion. I was impressed with how open everyone was! It was refreshing! That first class was great but one experience will stay with me forever.
It was towards the end of the class. We were asked to get comfortable and relax as our instructor took us through a guided meditation exercise. Truth be told I don't even remember what exactly was said. Something along the lines of using this time to "heal ourselves". We were asked to "picture ourselves" and allow healing to take place.
All of the sudden a very vivid image came to my mind. It was a picture of a Warrior woman. She was well equipped with all the gear for battle, weapons and shields. But it was very apparent that she was bent over in defeat. She had been beaten down. She was "broken".
In an instant it was clear to me that this image was of me and I was the reason she was beat.Through self shame, doubt, and feelings of worthlessness, I took this girl, who used to be a fighter, and made her feel defeated. I had been unforgiving, judgmental, and merciless toward myself. I had not shown an ounce of compassion. I needed to find a way to nourish that warrior back into a "conqueror of all things hard!"
This image stuck with me for the following week. I made it a goal to experience more "quite time" in my daily life. I wanted to see what else might surface. I would wake up early and sit in silence in attempts to meditate. That's when I found the anxiety creeping it. My whole chest would feel so tight. I would start shaming again. "Why can't you do this? It shouldn't be that hard" That's when I found this.
In all my schooling I remember learning that we are creatures of habit. We also seem to choose the path of least resistance. From what I have learned, the more you travel those "highways" in your brain, the easier it gets to fall into that pattern. If you have habits of negative thinking it is easier/natural and there is less resistance when you jump into negative thinking. You actually have to work really hard to change "highways." You have to practice and build that myelin sheath.
Offering self compassion takes practice! Learning self love takes time. I personally would never belittle anyone the way I belittle myself. I used to think that being hard on myself would motivate me to be better and try harder. I have recently learned that the exact opposite is true.
When we beat down on ourselves, there is a part of our brain that says "You are an embarrassment, you will never make it" and another part that says "I gotta get away from this, I don't like this one bit." It turns into a predator and prey type situation. The "prey" ends up releasing cortisol (a stress hormone) which, if left at high levels can link into a depressive state. Now that does not sound very motivating to me. No wonder we can work ourselves into an anxious state!
*NOTE our fabulous instructor Becky shared this video with us to teach there is a difference between self esteem and self compassion. (She also taught me a lot of what I am sharing in this series.)
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