Part two What I learned about self esteem and self compassion really changed my outlook on human connection. (Remember that self compassion has all the benefits of self esteem - plus some - but none of the repercussions that come with it.)
Self esteem is motivated and cultivated by outside praise. We reach high self esteem when we feel special, above average, better and/or different from others. This mentality has the ability to carry over in many facets of our lives. One unfortunate effect from this way of thinking causes human isolation.
It wasn't long ago that I felt so incredibly alone in my journey. I was convinced that nobody could possibly relate to or understand my pain. Even as others kindly tried to relate, I would find myself angry that they would DARE try and act like they knew what I was going through. After all, they hadn't tried as long as us. They hadn't been married the same amount of time. My trial was definitely more trying. Right? (I can not believe how WRONG I was.)
When we isolate ourselves in that type of thinking, we will suffer more. Sharing our burdens with others will not only lighten our load, it will also cultivate human connection. We need to recognize that suffering is part of the shared human experience. We are all hurting in some way. There is no need for us to suffer alone. True. you may not find someone who has been through your EXACT circumstances. However, as you are willing to hear and learn from the stories of others, you will come to see that pain is pain, hurt is hurt, and it may surprise you how much you can identify with emotions and feelings of others.
This idea goes hand in hand with self compassion. How can we accept that all of humanity is suffering and imperfect and yet expect perfection from ourselves? Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?
I recently had an experience that left me feeling embarrassed at work. My head was filled with thoughts such as, "You are a total idiot. I can't believe you still have a job here. You will probably go down in history as the worst employee this place has had." (I told you I wasn't very nice to myself). A few days later a coworker shared that she had experienced the same embarrassing event. I proceeded to encourage her saying things like, "Oh man! I'm so sorry that happened! I'm sure it will all be forgotten by tomorrow. At least you can still (fill in blank)" What a dramatic difference?!
If we could talk to ourselves the way we would a close friend, we can better nurture that self compassion. It will feel silly at first (trust me.) However, next time you make a mistake, try having a different type of conversation with yourself. Something that sounds a little more like, "Yikes, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's ok though, you'll do better next time." I'm certain you will find it incredibly refreshing! You may also find a new tolerance for others.
Part Four
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