Caution: Speed Bumps Ahead

I remember sitting there, just days before we found out if our last fertility treatment took. The potential results had weighed heavy in my mind everyday since we had decided to move forward with another round.

From the very beginning I had a faint feeling that this cycle wouldn't take. A feeling that maybe this time wasn't "our time". I was scared to say that out loud for two reasons 1. I didn't want it to be true and 2. I didn't want to embarrass myself if it turned out to be untrue.

As the "big day" got closer and closer, our chances felt less and less likely. (I prayed I was wrong)

As I sat there contemplating how I was feeling, an image came to mind. It played out almost like a movie, or a day dream. It was of me. I'm driving down the road and there's a car coming right at me. I know the car is about to hit me but I'm not scared. I calmly turn to lessen the impact. Sure enough, the other car hits me. It crashes into the side of my vehicle with such force it causes me to roll. It all happens so gracefully. I watch myself sit perfectly poised. Shoulders back. Unchanging expression on my face. Almost peacefully the car rolls and rolls. And in the end, I am unharmed.

Instantly the thought rolled into my mind that this was like our fertility journey. I can see this car coming (or bad news). It will hit me. It will hit me hard. But I will be ok. I will survive.

I sat and wondered "Why would the Lord warn me of this heart ache? What is the point? Why do I still need to experience it?"

The answer later came. This is a trial I need to go through. I can't avoid it. But this tender mercy reminds me God has not forsaken me. He is very aware of my struggle. This journey is meant for me to experience. This will refine me into who He wants me to become.

As I think about this, I can't help but relate it to Adam and Eve and the Fall. I think about how they had to be somewhat aware of what would happen if they chose to partake of the fruit. God needed them to do so for their own good. They saw it coming but willingly partook. God did not forsake them. He carried them. I know he will carry me through this journey. 

May you find peace in the tender mercies that surround us everyday. God will not forsake us. He is aware of us. He is ever so present. He knows just how much pressure to apply to shape us. Through Him, we can reach our greatest potential.