The Five Stages of Grief | IUI #4

I once read that struggling with infertility is like dealing with the five stages of grief every month. You deny, bargain, get angry, cry and accept. Then you pick yourself back up and do it all over again.

Denial- I woke up this morning anxious to find out if our last treatment had worked. I dreamt about it all night long. I was scheduled to have my blood drawn but just for fun I decide to take a home pregnancy test. (I've never done this before in this type of situation but I was feeling lucky.)


I stare at the test for 3 full minutes. I'm afraid to blink.

Negative.

"Who am I kidding? I have a more accurate test scheduled in an hour. Just throw this dumb thing away... It's probably expired anyway" I toss it in the trash. "Seems like people get false negatives all the time."

I start on my makeup. "Maybe the lighting was bad, I'll check it one more time."

Still negative.

I start on my hair. "Now that I think about it... I think I did see another line there... and you know.... a line's a line even if it's faint." I check again.

Still negative.

I start on breakfast. "Ok a little more time has gone by... maybe it's more clear now" Again, I pull it from the garbage can.

Again, it's negative.

I toss it back in the trash, kiss my husband and go to work.

Bargaining- I prep for my day at work. I run down to the lab for my blood work and try to return before anyone will notice. "Please Lord, even if it has to be a miscarriage. Just show me this is a possibility for us." I'm immediately struck by guilt for even thinking such twisted thoughts. "We won't even bother you for another kid, just give us one and we'll be happy." I spend the rest of my morning trying to focus.

Anger- It's lunch time. I've now checked my phone 1 million times waiting for my results. I step away from my desk and when I return, there's a voicemail from the clinic. My hands tremble as I walk into an empty exam room. No results are given. They want me to call them back. I know by their tone there's nothing to celebrate but somehow, I pretend there's hope. "I'm so sorry. It looks like your results were negative. So so sorry." For a split second I wonder if I'm going to cry but I don't. I can't. I'm not sad... I'm pissed. This conversation of "what's next" is all I know. Why did I think anything could be different this time around. I tell myself I'm done trying. I try to convince myself I could live a happy life without children. We are closing this chapter. I hate that we have to decide how far we'll go. It's not fair.
A while back I heard about a brand new first time mom who, because of major complications at delivery, would never become pregnant again. I start to become envious. I think irrational thoughts. "At least she knows that's her fate. She will never have to wonder if she's doing all she can." I start to lose compassion for just about everybody at this point. Swallowed up in pure selfish misery. As if I'm all alone in the struggles of life.

Depression- Suddenly I do cry. I sulk. I feel worthless. I buck up long enough to finish my day at work. I smile because "bad days look like smiling, beautiful, put together women" and that's what we do when we hurt on the inside. I stop for a pan of cinnamon rolls on the way home because I plan to eat the entire thing. My heart aches but I still can't decide if I am sad or angry.

Acceptance- To be honest, I'm not sure when this one kicks in What is it that we are supposed accept? Accept that this is our fate? Accept defeat? Accept the hopelessness? Surely not!  Perhaps we accept that we are not in control. Maybe we accept that this is only part of the journey but not the end. We accept help from others as they carry us through our sorrows. We accept that trials are a part of life. We accept that these experiences will make us stronger. And then, we pick ourselves back up, bandage our wounds, step back onto the battlefield, and we fight the same fight all over again. Why? Because we've worked too hard not too and this is all we've ever wanted.