On The Line of Giving Up

I guess it's been a while since I've given an update on our fertility journey.

I wish I knew exactly what to say but I don't so, I will write until I find some clarity. I saw a quote a while back. It said, "She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take." It made perfect sense to me. I have stood on that line a few times. I think I may be standing on it now.

After our last fertility treatment we met with our Fertility Specialist to discuss options. We knew going in that IVF was our next step. I don't think the idea was too hard to swallow because I had been mentally preparing for that talk for a while. We talked about success rates and next steps. We broke down estimated costs and were told to schedule an appointment with a financial counselor in the office. At the time, we both decided we weren't ready to move forward. It was too scary and the reality of heartbreak was too fresh. We left that day pretending we didn't have big decisions to make.



The truth is, after that appointment, I kind of threw in the towel. I guess I've been a little embarrassed about that so I just haven't said much. How do you post about 'giving up' when everything you stand for has to do with 'finding hope', 'overcoming hardship' and 'building strength'?

I think the hardest part about it all was that it felt really good to 'give up'. Forgetting about fertility was so freeing! We stopped talking about it, we stopped trying for it, we just pretended to move on and it felt AMAZING! If we didn't think about it... it couldn't exist. Every decision I made, I made because I wanted to. I enrolled in school and started dreaming of potential careers again. I looked into internships! We booked vacations! - It was my way of 'flipping off the Universe.' I stopped writing about our journey and focused on anything else I could. We got out more, we started to live again! Things finally started feeling normal for us! I felt excited about things!

Eventually the excitement became overruled by shame, guilt, and anger. How could I feel so happy and content when our family was still pending indefinitely? How could we spend our money on vacations when the money could be going to fertility treatments? How dare I go back to school when I should be focused on building my family?

Even now I find myself justifying everything by convincing myself that I can't afford to experience another 'loss of heart' like I had before. The kind of loss that is brought on by vulnerability and woundedness. The kind that makes you wander aimlessly feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm not ready for that again. I don't want to give in and allow fertility to consume my life over and over. My heart isn't ready for that.

And  yet...

Everything inside tells me I was meant for Motherhood. Somewhere deep down there is a tinge of strength. A small glimmer of hope. A thought that nudges me back on the path. "This is your battle. Choosing not to fight for fear of heartbreak will only hinder your growth and happiness. Now get back up and give it your all, knowing full well there are many more tears to come." Somehow I know that the joys to come will more than compensate for the sorrows we endure.

Perhaps I'm not on line after all. It's possible I chose my side a long time ago. I know there will be days when I find myself staring that line square in the eyes, and although we have a long journey ahead, I think we're finally ready to see how much more we can take. BRING. IT. ON.