7 things you should never say to someone dealing with infertility

If you know someone struggling with infertility, it’s understandable that you’d want to be encouraging and helpful. However, in my experience I’ve come to realize there are certain things women dealing with infertility are sick of hearing. (read here for more tips on how to be supportive) So listen up!

Here’s what to never say to someone that’s dealing with infertility:

1. Don’t compare their length of trying to anyone else. It’s not helpful. If a friend tells you they have been trying for "x" amount of years, do not try to make them feel better by telling her how your cousin's aunt's best friend tried for twice as long. You may not be aware but you are minimizing the issue and most likely making your friend feel invalidated.

2. "Stop trying so hard/ stop stressing" this should go with out saying that when you tell someone not to stress, they can often stress more. I have found with this one in particular, this phrase brings a lot of guilt and shame. When I hear this, It often feels like blame, that its my fault we've had years of infertility. It leads to thoughts like "what is wrong with me that I can't calm down enough to have a baby" and if that's not stressful already....

3. Do not quickly respond with how easy it was for you to conceive. I have even had people respond with things like "lucky, all I had to do was bat my eyes and I was pregnant again." or "I wish I had that problem" We get that there are people that are extra fertile do not rub it in our faces when we clearly would go to the ends of the earth to have your "problem".

4. Do not offer lessons on how to “do it”. This is wildly inappropriate to do. Yet, I have had so many comments on this that it made the list. Please leave your suggestions for your own bedroom. Please don't joke about how we must not have figured it out yet. Again, wildly inappropriate and incredibly insensitive.

5. Please don't compare me to your friend who has (insert any terminal/chronic illness.) I know that I should count my blessings that I am living. I do feel terrible there is still world hunger and death. I get that there are "bigger" problems then me. However, this is my issue and my life that I am dealing with. Again, please don't minimize or invalidate feelings by doing this.

6. Do not ask "why don’t you just adopt?" I don't even know where to start with this one. It may be hard to understand that there is something so special about carrying and giving birth to your own child made of your own DNA and that's ok. Adoption is a great option for some however, it is so costly, it is such a long and emotional process and there is a lot that goes into it. We're not talking about a pet so, if you are just rattling off suggestions trying to "fix" the problem... don't.

7. "When the time is right" or "Everything happens for a reason". This just gets old. We know all the cliches. "It will all work out". We know. But still, we are hurting and we are hurting right now. this response feels a lot like you are just brushing off the issue.

I've said it before, I do not mean to discourage anyone from wanting to show love and support to those who are struggling. Instead I hope this can allow others to feel a little more aware and sensitive when responding to delicate situations. For all the times I have been hot and bothered by somebody's inconsiderate/inappropriate response, I have equally been impressed with those that have reacted with such love and understanding.

If you or someone you know could benefit from this please share. Always feel free to comment or reach out if you ever need a friend!