Infertility and Insecurities

I recently discovered that when addressing a problem, it’s important to 1. State your peace and 2. Offer a change. That way it’s less complaining and more progressing.

Although this post has been on my mind for a while now. I’ve had a hard time piecing it all together. I don’t know if that’s due to the personal nature of what I plan to share or, if it’s because up until recently, I haven’t known what “change” I’ve wanted to offer.

I’ve never liked how easy it is to hide behind words. We all know how to use social media to put our best foot forward. That has never been my intention with this blog. I hope to deliver my inner most raw feelings here. I hope that by sharing my thoughts and experiences I can connect with others who can relate (on any level.) I hope that anyone going through any trial might feel a little less lonely and a little less guilty for not “having it all together”.

Trials have a way of beating you down. They seem to expose you to all your weaknesses and insecurities. It becomes easier and easier to create self deprecating thoughts. Trials can create self doubt and makes you reevaluate your self worth. I often feel guilty of how weak I am. It turns into this vicious cycle of sadness, guilt, anxiety, frustration and it goes on and on.  

So, I’ve decided to share some of my insecurities that I face with infertility in effort to give my fears and anxieties a voice. I share in effort to overcome.

I am insecure about my attitude- I worry that my attitude prevents us from having kids. I've been told there's “power in positive thinking.” Sometimes I worry that every little doubt I have of getting pregnant lowers our chances of success. I worry if I could think "more positively" we would have gotten pregnant by now.

I am insecure about my life outside of infertility- I worry that people judge me for not having kids. I worry that if people see me do fun/adventurous things they will think I'm "putting off having kids." Every time we think about going on a vacation, I worry people will judge us for not using that money to pay for infertility treatments. I worry that sometimes I'd rather spend my money on a house than more treatments. I feel bad that sometimes I'm ok with the stage we're at in life. I worry that means I don't really want kids.

I am insecure about my work ethic- I constantly worry we're not trying hard enough. I feel insecure that I go to counseling so I can cope with my frustrations. I am insecure that I recently had to drop out of a college course because I just couldn’t handle one more thing on my plate.

I am insecure at my ability to be a mother.  I worry that one day I won’t be a “good mom”. I worry there will be days where I feel tired and I will get angry with my kids. I worry that although it's a known fact, "motherhood is hard", I won't be aloud to have "hard days" because I worked so hard for so long to get a little one here. I worry that although pregnancy can be hard on your body, I won't be aloud to feel the aches and pains. I worry that I will never be aloud to complain about motherhood or pregnancy because if I do, people will assume I'm ungrateful. I worry that wanting to “reserve the right to complain”, makes me selfish.

I am insecure about my definition of success- I worry after all this, after I achieve motherhood... I may still not feel "fulfilled". I worry that I will feel tremendous guilt if I do not feel incredibly blessed every single day. That I’ll always be searching for something more.

I am insecure about how I feel-  I worry that these thoughts and feeling make me “crazy”. I often feel insecure about sharing my thoughts. I worry they won’t be received well or that I will annoy people if I share too often.

Putting these thoughts into words, I realize how irrational they are. However, they still seem so real to me.

If you are dealing with any insecurities here is the “change” I want to offer.

BE NICE TO YOURSELF.

Be kind.

Give yourself a break.

If you find yourself frustrated by your weaknesses, take a step back and say “Wow, you are really struggling here, that must be because you are going through something incredibly difficult”.

Give yourself some credit. Never belittle your trial. You don’t need to feel bad that compared to some, your trial seems “minuscule”. Never minimize your feelings. Give yourself the opportunity to work through those hard things. You will learn of your strength.

I am working on a guilt free year. I no longer want to feel guilty about feeling bad. Instead I plan to grow from these insecurities. I plan to progress.