If We're Being Honest

If we're being honest, it's been difficult for me to post lately. I'm not entirely sure why... I have attempted to write this post several times but nothing seems to come out right. I think its because things have felt so heavy lately. It often feels as if there is a dark rain cloud hovering over me. It's like I'm in a fog. Most days I have struggled putting one foot in front of the other. I have felt incredibly overwhelmed by everyday, mundane tasks.


It's embarrassing actually.

Multiple times I have wanted to send an "SOS" to close family and friends... I just had no idea how or where to start. All I knew was I was drowning.

As much as I wanted to open up about the real struggle I was facing, I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head saying, "No one wants to hear about that." So instead... I posted this-

It's kind of funny you know? What I wanted to say was, "SOS! I need encouragement! Please someone reach out to me because I am hurting" But what I said was, "I can't wait for all the fun we're going to have this weekend!" WHY do we do that? WHY is it so hard to reach out for help? WHY do we allow ourselves to lead on that everything is fine if it's not? This trend has confused our society in knowing what is real and raw with what is just a misrepresentation of how we wish to be perceived. 

I recently learned that the only way to gain courage is by practicing. It's been said that you learn to courage by "couraging"- just like you learn to swim by swimming. So here I am couraging-

Although I put a lot of effort into being "real" in my writings on this blog. The ugly truth is, I have not been able to completely overcome any of the heartache that has come with this trial. If we're being honest, infertility has wrenched EVERY string in my heart. It has brought every insecurity and every weakness I possess into light. 

The other day I read a quote that said, "You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly ok to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person. It makes you human." 

Why are we afraid to let others know we are human? 

Now, don't get me wrong, I have experienced some truly beautiful moments in all the heartache and have been happy to share those insights. However, I think it's equally important to share the "not so pretty moments" as well. I think they are a crucial part of the journey. 

It isn't always easy for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We won't always find a silver lining. 

I pray that I will always remember how low I've felt because one day... I hope I can offer comfort to someone standing where I now stand. I hope to be able to say, "I know where you're coming from. I've been there. I'm so sorry this is so hard." 

I guess what I'm saying is life is hard. It's sticky and frustrating. I'm learning how to deal with heartache. I'm doing my best to think of others. I find myself falling short daily and often I resent myself for it. 

I believe I might have been holding out on writing this post until I had some sort of a positive message to share. But, if we're being honest, I'm not there yet. If we're being honest, right now I'm feeling a little bit human and a little bit broken. So if you're feeling a little broken too, that's ok, we're human. The important thing is, you're not alone.