The Time That's Passed

Before I wrote on a blog, I wrote in a journal. Today I woke up and decided to open it up for the first time in a while. I thumbed through the pages and watched the dates wind back.

11-23-2015 | "We ran more tests at the fertility clinic and everything continues to look normal."

12-28-2014 | "We really want to have a baby but it's taking a little longer than planned."

05-12-2013 | "Who knows?! Maybe this time next year we could have a baby!!"

My heart ached for that girl. She seemed so naive, so full of hope. She had no idea about the journey ahead.

It hurt my soul watching the days, months, and years go by with the turn of every page. FOUR years! Four years of heart breaks, upsets, frustration and tears. Four years of crushed hope and new plans. 

I felt angry that all I had to show for it was a small stack of journal entries that would never accurately describe the thoughts and feelings we have experienced. I felt silly looking back on experiences I thought were "milestones" that turned out to be dead ends.

I wish I could have faced the things that were once scary, knowing they would eventually become routine. I wish I had photographed the uneasy look on our faces the first time we walked into a fertility center. I wish I had a count of how many times we've been back since. 

As I tried to wrap my head around the emotions that surfaced, I realized that somewhere in the mix I actually felt grateful. Grateful for the growth. Grateful for the knowledge. Somewhere in my heart I felt graeful for the reminders, grateful for the journey and grateful that I will NEVER take parenthood for granted. 

(A journal entry from somewhere around the start of our journey)

03-23-13

To my future children,

I don't know how many of you there are, but I hope there are a lot. I don't know when you will enter into our lives, but I hope we don't have to wait too long. I will always be grateful for the opportunity I have to love you. I want you to know we are working very hard to get things in order to give you the best life you can have. When I take a hard class, I have you in mind. When I learn and develop a new skill, I have you in mind. When I strive to strengthen my relationship with God, I have you in mind. I have always desired to be a mother. I know I will make mistakes along the way, but I am learning everything I can about how to rear children in a positive way. I hope together we can laugh A LOT! I hope I can always give you my undivided attention. I want you to know how excited we get when we think about your addition into our lives! Never doubt that we love you, we want you, and we feel incredibly blessed to have you! I often feel intimidated with the responsibility of raising such strong little angels- I know you are strong and you will have to be in the world you will be joining. Always remember you were sent to Earth at a specific time for a reason. It was not by coincidence or chance. We prayed for you and God decided to send you. He loves you and so do we! I love the fact that you are with him right now learning and growing, preparing for your time here. We may have to wait a while to meet and it will be a while after that before you can read this and comprehend its sincerity. But I look forward to that day! NEVER question our love for you, because we already have a spot in our hearts reserved for each one of you individually.

Love, 

Mom