Survivor's Guilt

Recently I had a great conversation with a dear friend. It was one that really made me think. This friend is one who has survived her own journey of infertility and now has two beautiful children. As we talked, she expressed her occasional feelings of "survivors guilt." This phrase really stuck with me and I understood immediately what she was referring to. For a very difficult period of her life, she was part of this "infertility club". She made friends and connected with other vulernable women and then... she "graduated". She talked about feeling torn between feeling incredibly blessed and wanting to remain sensitive to those still treking their journey.

I loved the insight she had communicated with me. It was such a beautiful puzzle. How do we overcome these feelings of guilt? How should we feel about having blessings that others don't? It brought me to reflect on an experience I've thought a lot about.

When we went to Mexico for our family vacation, we stayed at a fancy resort. On the way in, we passed homes that were basically shacks with tarps for doors and dirt floors. My heart ached as we saw this extreme poverty... and then just 20 min later, we were at a luxury all inclusive resort. To be honest, I couldn't help but feel guilty. It seemed unfair that I had been so blessed while others would most likely never have the opportunity to experience such grandiosity. Why did I deserve this and not them?

I didn't know what to do with this information. I didn't think I needed to feel guilty, but how was I supposed to feel? I wrestled with this idea for several days and even now, i don't know the answer. 

Recently I sat through a class and we discussed the idea that life is not fair. Our instructor shared that when she was little she would stomp her foot (like most of us) and say to her mom, "well that's not fair!" And as a response, her mom would repeat, "life's not fair." She explained how that phrase makes her cringe and she posed the question, "Do we want our children to grow up accepting that life is not fair? Or do we want to raise children who are motivated to see and fight injustice?" I think it's ok to recognize injustice. It's ok if we don't accept the answer that life's just not fair.

I think what we can do is feel grateful for what we've been given. What we can do is never lose compassion. I think feelings of empathy can coincide with feelings of gratitude. I think it's important to embrace the opportunities we've been given. Nothing gets better for anyone when we sulk in unnecessary guilt. Maybe we can instead, turn it into a motivation to get up and do something more for others. Maybe that's the lesson we can take away when things seem unfair.

[I'd love to hear your thoughts so comment below and if you enjoyed this post, don't forget to share!]